Sound Advice
by TheLastLynx
Summary: A tumblr meme turned Dramione relationship advice.


**Sound Advice**

 **A/N: This is based on a ridiculous tumblr post we joked about in the Strictly Dramione fb group. Of course I had to make a Dramione out of it.  
Didn't find the original meme; message me if you do, and I'll link to it. Please note that this is CRAP. Also it's *meant* to be pure dialogue, but my beta tells me it's not confusing. Go ahead and laugh about this.  
Love to Hystaracal for doing a quick beta although she has a busy life. Thanks to Hystaracal and Sapphire Snowflake for doing a quick beta although they are busy people.  
**

* * *

"Blaise, mate, can I ask you something?"

"'course."

"It's about Granger. I think I may have buggered it up."

"So fix it."

"No, I mean, buggered it up really, really badly. We fought, you know, like we do sometimes, and it got heated, and then, well, I may have said some stupid things… But, I mean, we fought! But then she stormed off crying. Granger never cries!"

"Malfoy. "

"Yes."

"You really want my advice on this? "

"Yes."

"Make her pussy wet, not her eyes."

* * *

"Ginny?"

"What's the matter, Hermione? Oh dear! You're crying!"

"Yes, well… Draco and I just had an awful fight."

"Oh. What's the ferret done this time?"

"You know that we were planning to make our relationship official?"

"WHAT? NO! I didn't! But that's fantastic news!"

"Well… yes, it is, I suppose…. Anyway, we were discussing how to do it, which is why I brought up the next Ministry function–"

"Isn't that a month away?"

"Hm, I suppose so… but it would be the _perfect_ way to normalise things, you see… to make it really, truly official, to let everyone know that no one should be judged for their past and their past alone–"

"But it's still two months from now. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of making it official? What did the Malfoy say to that?"

"Well… he didn't particularly like the idea. Instead, he wanted to take me to one of his sexist, Pureblood Clubs in London. You know, where you need to have a so and so many generations of magical ancestry to even apply? Probably wanted to show me off as one of his assets, sort of like a _War Heroine Trophy Girlfriend_. So I told him that he could shove that idea right up his arse, and that I would never be his Golden Girl show pony. And I would sure as hell _never_ be instrumentalised by just any man like that, thank you very much!"

"Okay… so then what happened?"

"That's when he got angry. Apparently, I was too daft to see that he'd be risking a lot by bringing me to the club," Hermione snorted. "And then he ranted a bit more about how bloody stupid I must be for not understanding that he wasn't just _any man_ , and about how my muggle brain could not fathom what it meant to be approved by an elite club like that."

"No!"

"Yes. And then he got really worked up, and accused _my bloody hero-complex_ of being the reason why I always thought he needed a saviour. And that my motive for taking him as my date to the ministry function was showing _him_ off; you know... How the Golden Girl had reformed the bad little Death Eater and the like."

"Oh, Merlin."

"Yes, yes. That was when we _really_ got into a screaming match."

"U-huh."

"A lot of bad words–"

"Oh gods."

"He called me a Gryffindork– and a bossy, meddling bitch who never knows when enough is enough– I called him a cowardly, egotistical prick who only ever thinks of himself, and only himself–"

"Oi."

"And that is when he screamed at me that maybe all of this – _us_ – was just an enormous mistake. And that's when it hit me that we will never, never, never ever work, Ginny, never. If we can't even figure out something like this amongst ourselves, how on earth are we supposed to convince others that our love is real?" She started crying again. "So I had to get out of there."

"Did you just say _love_?"

"What?"

"You just said, that 'your love was real'. Is it? Is it love?"

"Well, we've not yet _said_ it …"

"Okay… but _do_ you love him?"

"Of course I do, why else do you think I'm a puddle of tears?"

"So what were your motives for taking him to the ministry function?"

"That everyone, I mean, not only my friends, and colleagues, but the Prophet, the whole world would see what a kind and sweet person the snarky Draco Malfoy is!"

"So no showing off?"

"Of course not!"

"So, don't you think Draco might have had a similar intention by bringing you to the Pureblood Club?"

"Hmm…"

"Well, there you have it. He probably did the same thing. You always think the worst of the blokes you date, you know."

"I guess so…."

"Let me tell you something, Hermione; advice from the married old lady."

"Okay."

"Make his dick hard, not his life."

"Ginny!"

* * *

"So you love her then?"

"Why else do you think I wanted to bring her to the Pureblood Club?"

"That serious, eh? Does that mean you've already got her a ring?"

"As a matter of fact, yes I have."

"Wow. Okay. So some advice–"

"Not this again–"

"From now on, you better only break her bed, not her heart–"

"Merlin and Morga–"

"And you better win her back, sooner rather than later, and make your intentions known. In other words: Play with her boobs, not her feelings."

" _What's the matter with you, Zabini?"_

* * *

"You know, Hermione, sometimes men are really bad at voicing their problems. Wouldn't you agree, Pansy?"

"Absolutely, Ginny. You know why Draco and I got on so well in 4th year, Granger?"

"I don't think I actually want to–"

"Just apply this one motto and you'll be fine: Get on his dick, not his nerves!"

"Oh Gods…"

"That's fantastic advice! You know, when Rolf and I travelled around the world, we, too, would sometimes fight. But there was one thing in particular that made everything alright in the end–"

"Oh no, Luna. I don't think I want to–"

"–Always salt your pasta while boiling it."


End file.
